I had a nightmare last night, I remember everything about it and it was awful. It wasn't some bloody terrible monster filled nightmare but the way it made me feel was awful. This time last year was when Harvey was put into the hospital with his leg infection where he almost lost his leg. Emotionally that was such a hard time, it was Harvey's first time being a hospital patient and it was very hard on us being separated from each other.
More back story, Harvey and Joe went out two weeks ago and met up with some family at the last minute. What I thought was a quick trip turned out to be a four hour fun event for everyone, except me. I was home. No one thought to call me to see if I wanted to come along and hang out. So, being just postpartum I didn't take it well. I WAS left out. NO ONE thought of me! My feelings were very hurt and I let it be known. I hate to admit it but it ruined my whole day that day. I cried...in front of everyone when I found out.
So this nightmare was, Harvey back in this hospital again with an mysterious infection on his leg. Doctors can not tell us why he has it again, no open wounds on the leg and in order for them to tell us what exactly it is we would have take a biopsy. Same thing as last time. Harv is feeling better and wanted to go down stairs to sit in a booth at the hospital cafeteria for lunch, which he didn't tell me this. What he told me was, he had asked some friends to come down and they would be waiting in the lounge for us, which isn't the cafeteria. (Fancy hospital, it has a "lounge/Bar" in it). I met up with his strange friends, meeting them for the first time, get drinks and wait for the rest of our family to show up. It is taking forever. I wonder what is up, so I go check up on Harvey who is sitting in a booth....... with all of our family..... finished with a meal!!! I started to break apart and cry. Again, NO ONE thought to go get me. It was very hurtful. Here I am emotionally torn apart from Harv being sick, entertaining his strange friends, waiting on everyone to get there only to find out I am left me out again. Emotionally drained, I am devastated and flip the hell out on everyone. I walked away into a corner and crouched down and started to ball my eyes out. Literally ugly crying and I couldn't stop. The hurt was just too hurtful, that lump you get in your chest when your really upset?? Yea, I had that.... Everyone was looking at me like I was some freak, Harvey couldn't help me really because he was sick and I was just there in this corner, some corner, crying feeling forgotten and left out. Alone.
Most days I really love surrogacy. It is what I do, I have done it for ten years and feel utterly privileged that I am able to do this. Today, I hate surrogacy, JUST today. I know these feelings are stemming from dealing with my Intended Parents moving on their lives with Sophia. Contact always falls off a little bit, it has too. Today sucks. Just today.
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