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I got thrown for a loop yesterday, I finally received pictures of Laura, my latest surro babe. Her Mom has been trying to figure out how to email pictures for weeks now so I was honestly beginning to think that I wasn't going to get them. I had been dealing with a lot of promises, without any results. So it was shocking to me to get them. I wanted her instantly, in my arms...to make her all better. It wasn't that she was hurt or neglected but to have her with me to make me sure she was doing well. For the first time I have had feelings of regret about her intended parent. Her Mom is super nice, super supportive but has no idea about how to be a Mom. Getting frantic tearful phone calls from Laura's Mom about one thing another and then finally seeing Laura sent me into a spiral of emotions.

Suddenly, I think I can be a better Mom.

With a flood of emotions I realize I allowed Laura's Mom cross some emotional boundaries. I don't want those panic phone calls about hiccups or Exorcist vomit. Those are her problems, my job is done. Seeing Laura's picture made me feel like I had somehow failed her. Bringing her into this world to a beautiful smart woman who knew absolutely nothing about babies has hurt Laura. Has it? I realized my Intended Mothers empty promises of taking parenting classes or joining single Mothers support group failed Laura, I failed Laura. I allowed it to be ok until now. I should have said something more. This woman has a doctorate, she is so amazing book smart its scary crazy but her having to deal with bottles, burping and diaper changes is so mind boggling its obscene.

I guess through all of this I am scared for Laura.

I want her.
Do I though?
No.
Did I want her in that first moment of seeing her pictures, yes.
Is it like everytime?
No.

Hormones suck. All of it is so hard. Surrogacy isn't for the weak.

I have never felt like this before.

Seeing Laura was so hard.