Painful...

I had three dreams last night. I woke up this morning repeating what they were about, now, I can not remember anything about them except they were about monsters. I am always fighting in my dreams, running away from something, or trying to go to a specific place. I don't know where "the place" is, but I do remember I need to get to it. 

Zombie dream meaning is: To dream that you are attacked by zombies indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.

Well, that makes since. I was dreaming about zombies while I was taking my English class this summer and I was very overwhelmed. It was so awful. I am so glad it is over!

Running dream meanings: To dream that you are running alone refers to your determination and motivation in the pursuit of your goals. You will find success and rise above those around you. Alternatively, the dream may mean that you need to hurry up in making a decision.  In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

Hummmm, I don't know which decision I need to hurry about and decide about, everything, I believe is settled. I do have goals, so that may be it.... The last one is I am running away from danger, (monsters) and I am running alone. I am not facing or confronting fears I have, I don't know about this one. The whole situation with Jessica is something I will always struggle with. I have everyday fears about Harvey, his health, his job stability... I will always worry about Joe, if he is safe etc. Normal stuff I think every woman worries about. 

Monster dream meaning: To dream that you are chased or followed by a monster represents aspects of yourself that you find repulsive and ugly. You may possess some fears or some repressed emotions. Try to confront the monster in your dream and figure out who or what aspect of yourself the monster represents.

I know I have some repressed emotions in being a surrogate. You have to, I believe, to cope sometimes with the gravity of what you are doing. You are giving up a child, sacrificing "you" for your intended parents happiness. I mean, you are happy too, you just gave birth, you feel accomplished and proud, but you will always feel loss. You will always feel that emptiness's, a painful void. Your choice is to give up a child, surrogates do it freely. I am so proud of what I do, but you do pay a personal price. The pain will always be there. Having good relationships with my IPs and seeing pictures of my babes, helps.... But it will always hurt.

I also know I have some repressed feelings about Jessica and her choice to live in Idaho. To hear through the grapevine, so to speak, that she "just made a quick choice," and never really spoke about it hurts. The only other thing I have heard her say was that she felt that her Dad needed her more than I did. Still, after two years, just wants me to scream and pull my hair out truthfully.

Um, another note. I am pretty sure an Intended Parent couple of mine have split. My heart breaks for them, that had to be so hard. I won't intrude and ask why. I still worry about everyone. But hope everyone is happier.

Another little heartbreak I had and have just now chose to share it. I spoke to "F" about a week ago, who is Dad to Kiara (keyara). He said they wanted to come to down to California and vacation, to spend some time with us but he couldn't get a hold of me. He said he called and called but I never answered. He finally texted me asking me if this was still my number. He wanted to talk to me about coming to California. My heart totally jumped!!!! I was so excited. So I called and we spoke, as it turns out, when he called, his name didn't show up on my cell, it was some company he works for. So, I didn't recognize the name and I never picked up. "F" said since he couldn't get a hold of me they decided to do something else. I was so heartbroken. English for him is a second language and he got his tenses mixed up. I wanted to scream. He said maybe next time. I was in the middle of this English class, wrapping up so many end of semester things that I didn't take the time to really do anything else.  I was able to hold it together after I got off of the phone with him. Tears just streamed down my face, it was so painful knowing I was so close to seeing her.