It is what it is.

Normally by this time my birth story has been written. I have started it a couple of times now and just can not bring myself to finish it. I sit here, becoming emotional about it, trying to figure out exactly why I can not finish  writing it. I have the beginning written out so far. This surrogacy was very different from my others. I really like my intended parents but they live far away and chose to be updated through phone calls and emails only, that was very hard to deal with. In the past my Intended Parents (IPs) come down for an ultra sound appointment at least. I walked into this surrogacy thinking my current IPs would come to me for this at least, this big ultra sound, but didn't. That was their choice and I accept that, whether I agree with it or not is besides the point. It is what it is. Our communication really fell off of the grid for a couple of weeks before they came over to me (from N. Carolina) to wait out the birth and that was really hard to deal with (still all a mystery as to why). I knew once they fly over to me to wait out the birth, things would be a lot better. It was truly wonderful to be around them again, I had missed them a lot. My IPs and I really do get along great, they are everything IPs should be in person.... 

This surrogacy was the first time I had the utter luxury of getting to spend time with the new baby, Sophia after she are born, away from the hospital. Sophia and her parents stayed a full week after her birth and made it a point to leave her with me almost everyday. It was wonderful, such a gift and something I will be eternally grateful for. In turn, it made their leaving that much more painful. 

For a long time, especially in the surrogacy world, you have to show you are strong, mentally and emotionally, I was ashamed at my tears when I would cry. So I always cried when I was alone. I didn't want to burden anyone with how I felt. But, when my IP's were leaving, I broke down and cried in front of them. Not ugly crying...but quietly. My tears were not because I had doubts over my IPs parenting abilities or Sophia's safety.... No regrets on the surrogacy, no regrets on not having a child for ourselves...don't want to "Parent" Sophia.... they were just tears from a little bit of everything. Saying goodbye for now is always hard. My Intended Mother (IM) was trying to console me as I quietly cried and I had to tell her it wasn't from doubt/regret/didn't want to parent Sophia it what it is..a goodbye. Suddenly not being around Sophia is so hard, I miss her everyday. But she is where she should be, with her parents.

As for my birthstory, I do want to get it up...